Love Is A Spell Unending

“A woman could want a man so much she might vomit in the kitchen sink or cry so fiercely blood would form in the corners of her eyes. She put her hand to her throat as though someone were strangling her, but really she was choking on all that love she thought she’d needed so badly. What had she thought, that love was a toy, something easy and sweet, just to play with? Real love was dangerous, it got you from inside and held on tight, and if you didn’t let go fast enough you might be willing to do anything for it’s sake.”

~ Alice Hoffman, Practical Magic

As a child, I was quite sheltered. My parents were older, were religious. They never divorced. I was an only child. I lived in a fantasy world of ideal. I believed that one day I would marry the love of my life, and that we would remain together forever, bonded closer than any two people could hope to be. My heart was pure. 

As I grew older, as I went to school, I became aware that life was not ideal. That other children were cruel. That adults were cruel. They lied. They were unhappy. They took joy from cruelty. I withdrew further into myself, to a place that they could not reach to hurt me. My quiet indifference to them and to their world seemed to inflame their loathing. I learned that teachers were not wise elders that could be trusted. They joined with great glee in my public scorning. I withdrew from trying at all. I had my secret place within myself from where I drew power. 

I felt as if spirits were very close to me in my most troubled years. I could go to a secluded place, close my eyes, and feel that there were others all around me, who cared for me, who were watching out for me. The knowledge of this emboldened me. I was not alone. There were those who were on my side, who would fight for me.

The same peculiarity that allowed me to be aware of these others - this sensitivity to the world - secluded me so much. Alcohol helped me to normalize. To not feel so much. I was an alcoholic for many years. Suppressing a nature that I was ashamed of. That I thought was weakness, worthy of mockery and ridicule. I managed to even forget who I was. I became callous, bitter, cynical.

I met a girl. Julia. 

She was by my side, always. I eventually stopped drinking. I began to seek who I was. I was still a drunk - a dry drunk. So isolated, so unhappy. But I had Julia by my side. Always. 

In my heart - way deep down - I was still pure. I loved Julia. I didn't know how to express love. She left me. She didn't just leave. She absolutely destroyed that person. I remember at what moment he fell. He fell to his knees at her feet. She rejected him. It wasn't just rejection. He was betrayed, and cruelly so. 

The love that Miss Hoffman describes - I felt the twisted form of this. There could be no greater torture.

What followed in the next 3 years were 3 relationships, each one somewhat a repeat of previous rejection, and with the 3rd, the previous betrayal. With each one, everything flooded back, raw, bleeding. 

 
Would you die for love's sake? The danger in love, is that it may nail you to a cross and leave you there.

All has passed away, even I. The world that I use to withdraw into, is now the world I live in. One of solitude. Of quietness. I am again aware of the others. They again give me strength. 

My heart bears the burden of loving those that chose not to love me. I can not not love them. I came to know them more intimately than I have ever known anyone else. I believe that the people who destroy love, who cause irreparable damage in others - they will one day come to the full knowledge and understanding of the severity of their actions, and the consequences that grew out from them. This makes me all the more sorrowful. I sometimes wonder if I will see my loves on the other side, and if they will finally understand. If they will once again be returned to innocence.

That burden is heavy. Heavy enough for me to have stopped seeking for love from others. The others are cruel. They lie. Love is not a toy, nor something easy and sweat, nor is it just to play with.