We've all encountered the "want to cyber?" perverts, the drunken railings, the rude arrogance, the childish prattling, the disruptive chattering in Live Chess (a valid strategic tactic). There are even those who proclaim you rude for your silence (isn't a diplomatic greeting enough in the way of social etiquette?). Pardon me, I'm busy trying to mate your king, not you.
I completely understand those who have chosen the silence of disabled chat, though even that seems a bit rude.
I wish to share something that I think you will enjoy very much--an essay on Chess Etiquette. It is by the chess player and mathematician Donald MacMurray, who was a very promising master who died at a tragically early age. The essay was printed in the first issue of
Chess Review.
The Gentle Art of Annoying
"AS EVERYONE KNOWS, THE WORST THING THAT CAN HAPPEN to a chess player is to lose a game. Because this is so, it is evident that what the chess public needs is a method of winning easily without first mastering the difficult and unnecessary technique of making good moves.
"To begin with, you must realize clearly that your principal object is to disturb your opponent as much as possible in order to distract his attention from the game. Of the numerous ways of accomplishing this, the easiest and most common is talking.
"Talking to annoy may be done in several ways. You may, for example, talk
to your opponent, either pointing out bad moves to him, or making any other misleading remark about the position. If your opponent so much as comes near to touching a piece it is always disconcerting to say sternly 'Touch--move.' If this involves you in an argument with him, so much the better for your chances of upsetting his train of thought.
"An example from actual experience will serve to demonstrate the practicability of this piece of advice. Several years ago, in the interscholastic championship tournament in New York, there arose an endgame position where White, who was on the defensive, had only one way of saving the game, to wit, by pushing a certain Pawn. He permitted his hand to hover over the Pawn, without touching it, whereupon Black cried gleefully, 'You touched it!' White denied the charge vigorously, and, when the referee finally decided the fight in his favor, triumphantly proceeded to move another piece, thus losing the game.
"You may also talk to the kibitzers, preferably discussing the previous game with them so heatedly that you draw your opponent into the argument, and so take his mind completely off whatever he was considering.
"If you like, you may talk
to yourself. Every chess club boasts at least one genius of the talk-to-yourself school. Curiously enough, the favorite method of these experts is the recitation of nonsense rhymes. The eminent champion of the West has great success in declaiming passages from Lewis Carroll's
Hunting of the Snark; while one of the most prominent American professionals has confided to me that about half of his yearly income is derived from the recitation, at critical points in his games, of
Mary Had a Little Lamb.
"Another ready means of annoying which you have at your disposal is music. There are several different ways of employing music for this purpose. If you are a timid player, you may try humming, which is the most unobtrusive of the lot, and the least likely to call forth rebuke, but which, when raised to high pitch and accompanied by the gestures of a conductor, will throw your opponent entirely off his game.
"As your courage waxes, you will find a shrill, piercing whistle more effective than even the most artistic humming. The tune must be one far too difficult to be whistled correctly, so that it will sound at best like an undecided peanut-roaster.
"Finally, being carried away by the beauty of your noises, you may break into full song, accompanying yourself as before, with appropriate gestures, or else by tapping in time with your feet.
"If you do not happen to be musically inclined, you will still find a big field open to you in drumming and tapping, either with hands or feet. This is one of the best ways known to induce your opponent to make a hasty move, and is favored by nearly all of the masters who have no confidence in their singing voices.
"Other great resources which you possess are coughing, sneezing, and blowing your nose during the progress of the game. These are to be used freely, especially during the wintertime, both as a general distraction and to instill in you adversary the fear of germs.
"Similarly, when your opponent does not move quickly enough to suit you (and if you are a right-minded chess-player, this should be nearly all the time), you should first heave a sigh, then yawn and look at your watch, and finally groan mournfully.
"A large class of nuisances not yet touched upon comprises those which aim at distracting the visual attention of the enemy. Of these, the one most highly sanctioned for your adoption is the system of blowing smoke rings across the board. This is useful, not only because it obscures the position, but also because it will surely get into your opponent's eyes or choke him, and thus put him completely at your mercy.
"Another annoyance of this type is adjusting pieces which you would like your opponent to take, or else pieces which are on the other side of the board from where your threat is.
"If you habitually rest your head on your hand, be certain to keep your elbow constantly on the edge of the board, shifting its position from time to time so as to be always concealing under it at least two or three important squares.
"As the evening wears on, you may resort to stretching, in doing which you should take care to fling at least one arm all the way across the board.
"Whenever you have what you think is a fairly good position, rock your chair back and forth on its hind legs, assuming meanwhile a complacent attitude, with your thumbs in your vest-pockets, as much as to say, 'Why do you not resign, you duffer?'
"There is only one more kind of disturbance worth mentioning. Although it is infrequent of occurrence, and, when it does happen, it is entirely accidental, it is as upsetting as anything else. It is making a strong move."
