The Fire of Creation

 

 

I am nearing now a month of intensely altered behavior. I've dropped behaviors that I no longer find any comfort in, if I ever really did. Often in life we confuse pain with pleasure, because pain can be a meaningful experience; and above all else, should we be conscious of it or not, we seek meaning.

I find myself daily enduring the inherent pain that I was attempting to evade by daily manufactured pain. I have no explanation why it is that I suddenly have the power within myself to accomplish this, other than I started after a dream visitation from my dad, and "Edward", who spoke to me with words I cannot remember, but were words that caused me to weep openly in my dream.

The best way I can describe how this alteration feels, is that my hand is being stayed. I am being helped. What's even more strange, is that within my dreams, I came to know the faces of the two individuals who are helping me most intimately. I sometimes suspect that the girl has been with me since my childhood. I too suspect she is Maya, which brings up a bunch of questions in my mind. I think I have loved her since I was a child.

No matter my loneliness, my existential despondency, I feel them, and I know they are guiding me to something, and I can choose to hope in this and have faith in it. After all, for once in my life, I am seeing objective evidence - real change - internal change - internal life.

 

I very clearly remember when this process began to eventualize. It was during the last Venus Rx from 2015's July - September. That Rx lasted 40 days and 40 nights. It was almost as unpleasant as the time in which my wife left me for some jackass around 3 years ago. This rejection thing keeps repeating, and it repeated in a big way during that time. Then Mercury Rx hit immediately after, from September to October. My mom got into an accident and totaled her car. I put a major dent in my Dodge Challenger. But these were minor things compared to what I was experiencing in my personal and emotional life. It could be summed up by saying that I "came to naught". A lot took place, to bring me down to the end of myself. After years and years, I'm finally there. I'm ready for whatever it is THEY have for me. It's all that's left for me. Chesterton spoke of the democracy of the dead. I am not fighting fate anymore. I will embrace it, only now that I have been graced with the power of free will to do so.